Philadelphia, PA - It has been reported in this Great Nation that the professional hockeyman Cyril “Homer” Solomon, right Defence-Man for the Philadelphia Quakers, has accomplished a tremendous feat previously supposed unthinkable: ice-skating in reverse.
The triumph comes on the heels of an incredible string of losses by the Quakers, and although some have attributed it to the team falling out of favour with the Lord Almighty, Solomon has his own notions [**Let it be duly Noted: The Outa Times does not endorse the following heretical views].
“Well, y’see, players would all come on in on us wielding their baton-sticks and skating like bats right out of [expletive deleted], and it was getting a challenge to see which way they’d all come. Just last week when the Falcons [of Detroit] were down here, Hollis Rueben was coming down right through the middle. I’s skating as fast as my precious two legs could carry me, and Hollis cuts the other way and disappears from sight. Next thing I know, the boy behind the net is marking another tick with his chalk to show another’d been scored.”
The final score in that afternoon’s contest was 27-12 in favor of Detroit.
How exactly, Solomon came to discover that a Man might propel him Self in reverse while on ice-skates he explains:
“All I can say is, I was walking back to the dressing cabin when a fanatic tossed a chicken bone at me. That got me upset, y’see, and everything just got really slow. Then I saw one boy selling graham crackers and Hershey bars, and he’s backin’ up down the aisle with the food raised above his head. And it hits me.”
Solomon was not able to put his Revelation into practice for several days as Philadelphia was hit by a spell of warm weather and their rink-pond was deemed unsafe for employ. It was the following week when temperatures dropped again into the 20s that Homer Solomon took his first historic, shaky strides — in reverse.
Unfortunately, Solomon caught the rear edge of his ice-skate in a divot and fell backward, striking his head against the ice surface and needing to be carried off by team-mates. After a quick injection of heroin by Philadelphia Quakers’ team medic Elijah Ellsworth, Solomon was back on his shaky feet not an hour later. He did report symptoms of dizziness and his wife claims when he turned in to bed later that eve-ning, he did not awake for three days following.
Whether the technique for ice-skating in reverse will be adopted en masse can only be known by the omniscience of the Lord Almighty. For the moment, however, the revolutionary new tech-nique seems reserved to team scrimmages, and its utility is questionable at that.
While Solomon is now indeed able to keep his opponents in full view, head coach Orville Emory believes the tech-nique is foolish and irresponsible and claims it immobilizes any player trying to execute those “silly tango-steps”. Indeed, Emory is considering outlawing the tech-nique’s dispersion after Solomon has attempted to convey it to other team-mates, and several of them have been seen to topple over back-ward and strike their heads against the ice.
Always team-medic Ellsworth is at hand with a trusty dose of heroin.
Whether Solomon’s back-ward ice-skating shall revolutionize this infant sport or be merely a predilection passing in the breezes will remain to be seen. What should be taken to heart is the development of a wondrous new tech-nique by this young American hero, in the Great name of Progress.